I am doing Byron Katie’s Work for a class and I thought I’d share:

Judge-Your-Neighbor

1. Who angers, confuses, saddens or disappoints you, and why? What is it about them that you don’t like?

I don’t like her because she refuses to connect with me, has no remorse for what happened with him, acts like a sneaky witch every time I see her, continues to pursue him, and is mean to my friend. I am confused about why she is hanging around OneTaste. I am disappointed that she won’t be vulnerable enough for us to get some closure around this. I am angry that she makes me angry.

2. How do you want them to change? What do you want them to do?

I want her to sincerely apologize for her actions. I want her to stop pursuing him. I want her to be nicer to my friend. I want her to stop sleeping with every guy she meets. I want her to disappear from OneTaste forever. I want her to stop being my shadow.

3. What is it that they should or shouldn’t do, be, think, or feel? What advice could you offer?

She should stop being a sneaky bitch. She should stop acting like a remorseless skank. She should feel compassion for the people whose lives she is effing with. She should think I am way better than her and that she could never steal him away. She shouldn’t think she has a prayer at Teacher Training. She should be afraid of me and try to make me like her.

4. Do you need anything from them? What do they need to do in order for you to be happy?

I need her to stay the hell away from him. I need for her to make even the slightest effort to be my friend. I need for her to stop being sneaky. I need for her to stop creating conflict in order to get attention. I need for all of my friends to hate her.

5. What do you think of them? Make a list.

She is sneaky. She is a slut. She is worthless. She is a bitch. She is not trustworthy. She is a coward. She preys on people in weak positions. She is a complete bum. She is fake.

6. What is it that you don’t want to experience with that person again?

I don’t want to feel dirty when I look her in the eye. I don’t want to feel like she is an unpredictable psychotic snake. I don’t want to feel like I’m not good enough if she is with him. I don’t want to feel like a fool. I don’t want to feel like she doesn’t give a shit about herself or anyone else.

Inquiry: I don’t like her because she refuses to connect with me.

1. Is it true?

I don’t know. I tell myself it is true. I tell myself that if she would make an effort to open up, I would see something good in her and start to like her. I’m not sure that is true. I think I don’t like her because she is terrible in every way and it baffles me that anyone would like her or that he would be stupid enough to be with her so then I feel like I am not good enough. Like if my friends can like a wench like her, they clearly have terrible judgment and so their approval is worthless in propping up my ego. That’s just great. Good heavens.

2. Can I absolutely know that it’s true?

No. I have no idea why I hate her so much. It is irrational and confusing.

3. How do I react when I think the thought?

I feel like I am trying too hard and I’m embarrassed. I feel self-righteous, like everything is her fault. I feel smug because I am such a gracious connector to stoop to her level and try to be friends. I feel safe because I know she will not try to connect with me. I feel popular because this story is very useful in making my friends like me better than her. I feel sneaky because I am not being totally honest with anyone and it is all for my personal gain.

4. Who would I be without that thought?

I would be more honest and genuine. I would be closer to my truth. I would not be tricking my friends. I would not be so concerned with other people’s approval. I would be more free. I would take responsibility for my own refusal to connect with her.

5. Turn it around.

I don’t like myself because she refuses to connect with me.

I don’t like her because I refuse to connect with her.

I do like her because she refuses to connect with me.

I don’t like myself because I refuse to connect with her.

I don’t like myself because I refuse to connect with myself.

I just learned about Living Time, by Maurice Nicoll. Here are some questions he poses in the book

What do we think about time?
We exist in a world that we do not understand in the least. What is nature? What is time? What is space? What are we?
We take all for granted. We do not face any real issues in our thinking but catch hold of some ready-made opinion. Do we ever get used to the mystery of time, for instance? Is not the problem of time always in the background of our minds although we can never really think about it? Consider the strange experience that a person was but is no more. Consider our childhood and death. Where is all that which has become was, and all that will be? What is this strange now and then, which when perceived together cause the mind to tremble on the verge of new meaning?

Thanks to my new favorite blog: Astro Inquiry for the info. Check out his recommended books!

My brain seems to have coalesced enough to share the tale of my Tuesday night.

I’ve been in a very existential, unstable mood lately. On Tuesday night things came to a head. I was lying in bed when all of a sudden I started convulsing. It started in my back. I could not control it. It was as if I had let go and my body had taken on a life of it’s own. Then my hands stared moving on their own, my face, my shoulder, my legs, everything was twitching in turn. Then noises began to arise from my throat. The noises began to form words and even sentences! There I am watching this whole thing, totally unable to control it.

This was both scary and exciting. At one point I started growling “I’ll f-ing kill you.” Very Linda Blair. At another point my hips very shaking to a beat and I was singing, “I am dancing, I am dancing.” All kinds of crazy things arose. This went on for two hours!

My friend D is into Adyashanti and his true meditation practice. D has been having experiences like mine for over a year. He says it’s a normal part of awakening. I don’t know. All I know is that something in my consciouness has been nudged and all sorts of strangeness is manifesting because of it.

If anyone else has had this experience PLEASE contact me.

There are certain queer times and occasions in this strange mixed affair we call life when a man takes this whole universe for a vast practical joke, that the wit thereof he but dimly discerns, and more than suspects that the joke is at nobody’s expense but his own… That odd sort of wayward mood I am speaking of, comes over a man only in some time of extreme tribulation; it comes in the very midst of his earnestness, so that what just before might have seemed to him a thing most momentous, now seems but a part of the general joke.

- Herman Melville, Moby-Dick

Boy oh boy, he wasn’t kidding. I moved in to OneTaste yesterday. My life is falling apart at the seams. I don’t care about anything. Everything seems totally ridiculous. Something that seemed like the biggest, craziest deal on Sunday is almost totally uninteresting to me today. I don’t even know where my edges are anymore, they seem to be crumbling so quickly.

And nothing to do but wring my hands standing there amidst the rubble wondering: what’s next?

Go read this LA Times interview with CalTech physicist Sean Carroll on entropy, time and the multiverse.

Mr. Carroll is saying that time is irreversible and therefore directional; our world has some type of order, a thrust forward. He also says that this order is highly unlikely to arise on its own and would almost certainly have to have come from some previous set of affairs or other universe:

So you think the way the universe began is unnatural?

Low-entropy configurations are rare.

If you take a deck of cards and you open it up, it’s true that they’re in order. But if you randomly chose a configuration of a deck of cards it would be very, very unlikely that they would be in perfect order.

That’s exactly low entropy versus high entropy.

The universe is more than what we see?

The reason why you are not surprised when you open a deck of cards and it’s in perfect order is not because it’s just easy and natural to find it in perfect order, it’s because the deck of cards is not a closed system. It came from a bigger system in which there is a card factory somewhere that arranged it. So I think there is a previous universe somewhere that made us and we came out.

We’re part of a bigger structure.

This is exactly what I have been thinking about lately. The reality that we are able to perceive is something. It has meaning and direction. However, our world arises from and exists in something else. We don’t know what it is, maybe we are some alien child’s science fair project. Even if that is the case, the alien child’s world exists in something which exists in something etc. Turtles all the way down.

But what do the turtles exist in? If you started two points at zero on a number line and sent one up the positives and one down the negatives at the same pace, they would both keep going towards infinity, but their sum would always be zero, right? So regardless of the turtles, alien science projects, or any other nonsense we can think up the answer is always zero, always nothing, always void.

Maybe?

Here is a super interesting post from Overcoming Bias on whether or not morality is just a result of personal preference. Best quote:

“Your strange beliefs about the nature of morality have destroyed your soul.  I don’t even believe in souls, and I’m saying that.”

Ha!

So is there truth or isn’t there? Something or nothing? All questions seem to be boiling down to this for me lately.

Today’s thought of the day comes from Integral Options Cafe. I find it particularly useful to remember this as I’ve gone from a slower pace life in San Francisco, to the busy student life of my intensive Russian course. Just because I’m “doing” more things in a day, doesn’t mean there’s any less time for reflection and awareness practice.

Stream of Thoughts

We tend to be particularly unaware that we are thinking virtually all the time. The incessant stream of thoughts flowing through our minds leaves us very little respite for inner quiet. And we leave precious little room for ourselves anyway just to be, without having to run around doing things all the time. Our actions are all too frequently driven rather than undertaken in awareness, driven by those perfectly ordinary thoughts and impulses that run through the mind like a coursing river, if not a waterfall. We get caught up in the torrent and it winds up submerging our lives as it carries us to places we may not wish to go and may not even realize we are headed for.

Meditation means learning how to get out of this current, sit by its bank and listen to it, learn from it, and then use its energies to guide us rather than to tyrannize us. This process doesn’t magically happen by itself. It takes energy. We call the effort to cultivate our ability to be in the present moment “practice” or “meditation practice.”

– Jon Kabat-Zinn, Wherever You Go, There You Are; From Everyday Mind, a Tricycle book edited by Jean Smith

For your reading pleasure:

(In case you didn’t know I’m taking an intensive Russian course, hence the recent emphasis on all things Russian)

The Emperor’s Three Questions By Leo Tolstoy

One day it occurred to a certain emperor that if he only knew the answers to three questions, he would never stray in any matter.

1. What is the best time to do each thing?
2. Who are the most important people to work with?
3. What is the most important thing to do at all times?

The emperor issued a decree throughout his kingdom announcing that whoever could answer the questions would receive a great reward. Many who read the decree made their way to the palace at once, each person with a different answer.

In reply to the first question, one person advised that the emperor make up a thorough time schedule, consecrating every hour, day, month and year for certain tasks and then follow the schedule to the letter. Only then could he hope to do every task at the right time.

Another person replied that it was impossible to plan in advance and that the emperor should put all vain amusements aside and remain attentive to everything in order to know what to do at what time.

Someone else insisted that, by himself, the emperor could never hope to have all the foresight and competence necessary to decide when to do each and every task, and what he really needed was to set up a Council of the Wise and then to act according to their advice.

Someone else said that certain matters require immediate decision and could not wait for consultation, but if he wanted to know in advance what was going to happen he should consult magicians and soothsayers.

The responses to the second question also lacked accord.

One person said that the emperor needed to place all his trust in administrators, another urged reliance on priests and monks, while others recommended physicians. Still others put their faith in warriors.

The third question drew a similar variety of answers.

Some said science was the most important pursuit. Others insisted on religion. Yet others claimed the most important thing was military skill.

The emperor was not pleased with any of the answers, and no reward was given.

After several nights of reflection, the emperor resolved to visit a hermit who lived on a mountain and was said to be an enlightened man. The emperor wished to find the hermit to ask him the three questions, though he knew the hermit never left the mountains and was known to receive only the poor, refusing to have anything to do with persons of wealth or power. So the emperor disguised himself as a simple peasant and ordered his attendants to wait for him at the foot of the mountain while he climbed the slope alone to seek the hermit.

Reaching the holy man’s dwelling place, the emperor found the hermit digging a garden in front of his hut. When the hermit saw the stranger, he nodded his head in greeting and continued to dig. The labor was obviously hard on him. He was an old man, and each time he thrust his spade into the ground to turn the earth, he heaved heavily.

The emperor approached him and said, “I have come here to ask your help with three questions: When is the best time to do each thing? Who are the most important people to work with? What is the most important thing to do at all times?”

The hermit listened attentively but only patted the emperor on the shoulder and continued digging. The emperor said, “You must be tired. Here, let me give you a hand with that.” The hermit thanked him, handed the emperor the spade, and then sat down on the ground to rest.

After he had dug two rows, the emperor stopped and turned to the hermit and repeated his three questions. The hermit still did not answer, but instead stood and pointed to the spade and said, “Why don’t you rest now? I can take over again.” But the emperor continued to dig. One hour passed, then two. Finally the sun began to set behind the mountain. The emperor put down the spade and said to the hermit, “I came here to ask if you could answer my three questions. But if you can’t give me any answer, please let me know so that I can get on my way home.”

The hermit lifted his head and asked the emperor, “Do you hear someone running over there?” The emperor turned his head. They both saw a man with a long white beard emerge from the woods. He ran wildly, pressing his hands against a bloody wound in his stomach. The man ran toward the emperor before falling unconscious to the ground, where he lay groaning. Opening the man’s clothing, the emperor and hermit saw that the man had received a deep gash. The emperor cleaned the wound thoroughly and then used his own shirt to bandage it, but the blood completely soaked it within minutes. He rinsed the shirt out and bandaged the wound a second time and continued to do so until the flow of blood had stopped.

At last the wounded man regained consciousness and asked for a drink of water. The emperor ran down to the stream and brought back a jug of fresh water. Meanwhile, the sun had disappeared and the night air had begun to turn cold. The hermit gave the emperor a hand in carrying the man into the hut where they laid him down on the hermit’s bed. The man closed his eyes and lay quietly. The emperor was worn out from a long day of climbing the mountain and digging the garden. Leaning against the doorway, he fell asleep. When he rose, the sun had already risen over the mountain. For a moment he forgot where he was and what he had come here for. He looked over to the bed and saw the wounded man also looking around him in confusion. When he saw the emperor, he stared at him intently and then said in a faint whisper, “Please forgive me.”

“But what have you done that I should forgive you?” the emperor asked.

“You do not know me, your majesty, but I know you. I was your sworn enemy, and I had vowed to take vengeance on you, for during the last war you killed my brother and seized my property. When I learned that you were coming alone to the mountain to meet the hermit, I resolved to surprise you on your way back and kill you. But after waiting a long time there was still no sign of you, and so I left my ambush in order to seek you out. But instead of finding you, I came across your attendants, who recognized me, giving me this wound. Luckily, I escaped and ran here. If I hadn’t met you I would surely be dead by now. I had intended to kill you, but instead you saved my life! I am ashamed and grateful beyond words. If I live, I vow to be your servant for the rest of my life, and I will bid my children and grandchildren to do the same. Please grant me you forgiveness.”

The emperor was overjoyed to see that he was so easily reconciled with a former enemy. He not only forgave the man but promised to return all the man’s property and to send his own physician and servants to wait on the man until he was completely healed. After ordering his attendants to take the man home, the emperor returned to see the hermit. Before returning to the palace the emperor wanted to repeat his three questions one last time. He found the hermit sowing seeds in the earth they had dug the day before.

The hermit stood up and looked at the emperor. “But your questions have already been answered.”

“How’s that?” the emperor asked, puzzled.

“Yesterday, if you had not taken pity on my age and given me a hand with digging these beds, you would have been attacked by that man on your way home. Then you would have deeply regretted not staying with me. Therefore the most important time was the time you were digging in the beds, the most important person was myself, and the most important pursuit was to help me.”

“Later, when the wounded man ran up here, the most important time was the time you spent dressing his wound, for if you had not cared for him he would have died and you would have lost the chance to be reconciled with him. Likewise, he was the most important person, and the most important pursuit was taking care of his wound.”

“Remember that there is only one important time and that is now. The present moment is the only time over which we have dominion. The most important person is always the person you are with, who is right before you, for who knows if you will have dealings with any other person in the future? The most important pursuit is making the person standing at your side happy, for that alone is the pursuit of life.”

I’m off to Spain and Morocco for a couple weeks with my sister. See you in July!

As you probably know, Emily and I lived in Georgia. We like to keep up with the latest geo-political chess games played by all the former soviet block countries, but we’re especially interested in Georgia and Russia. My friend recommended this lecture given by Edward Lucas at Google’s Mountain View, CA headquarters to discuss his book, “The New Cold War.” Lucas discusses changes in Russia’s policies under the Putin regime and the effect that has on countries like Georgia as well as western Europe and the U.S. The lecture was thought provoking.

From Lucas’ biography:

Edward Lucas has covered Eastern Europe for The Economist for over twenty years. He witnessed the end of the last Cold War, the parting of the Iron Curtain, and, as the Moscow bureau chief, covered Boris Yeltsin’s reign and Vladimir Putin’s rise to power. He lives in London, England.