I am doing Byron Katie’s Work for a class and I thought I’d share:

Judge-Your-Neighbor

1. Who angers, confuses, saddens or disappoints you, and why? What is it about them that you don’t like?

I don’t like her because she refuses to connect with me, has no remorse for what happened with him, acts like a sneaky witch every time I see her, continues to pursue him, and is mean to my friend. I am confused about why she is hanging around OneTaste. I am disappointed that she won’t be vulnerable enough for us to get some closure around this. I am angry that she makes me angry.

2. How do you want them to change? What do you want them to do?

I want her to sincerely apologize for her actions. I want her to stop pursuing him. I want her to be nicer to my friend. I want her to stop sleeping with every guy she meets. I want her to disappear from OneTaste forever. I want her to stop being my shadow.

3. What is it that they should or shouldn’t do, be, think, or feel? What advice could you offer?

She should stop being a sneaky bitch. She should stop acting like a remorseless skank. She should feel compassion for the people whose lives she is effing with. She should think I am way better than her and that she could never steal him away. She shouldn’t think she has a prayer at Teacher Training. She should be afraid of me and try to make me like her.

4. Do you need anything from them? What do they need to do in order for you to be happy?

I need her to stay the hell away from him. I need for her to make even the slightest effort to be my friend. I need for her to stop being sneaky. I need for her to stop creating conflict in order to get attention. I need for all of my friends to hate her.

5. What do you think of them? Make a list.

She is sneaky. She is a slut. She is worthless. She is a bitch. She is not trustworthy. She is a coward. She preys on people in weak positions. She is a complete bum. She is fake.

6. What is it that you don’t want to experience with that person again?

I don’t want to feel dirty when I look her in the eye. I don’t want to feel like she is an unpredictable psychotic snake. I don’t want to feel like I’m not good enough if she is with him. I don’t want to feel like a fool. I don’t want to feel like she doesn’t give a shit about herself or anyone else.

Inquiry: I don’t like her because she refuses to connect with me.

1. Is it true?

I don’t know. I tell myself it is true. I tell myself that if she would make an effort to open up, I would see something good in her and start to like her. I’m not sure that is true. I think I don’t like her because she is terrible in every way and it baffles me that anyone would like her or that he would be stupid enough to be with her so then I feel like I am not good enough. Like if my friends can like a wench like her, they clearly have terrible judgment and so their approval is worthless in propping up my ego. That’s just great. Good heavens.

2. Can I absolutely know that it’s true?

No. I have no idea why I hate her so much. It is irrational and confusing.

3. How do I react when I think the thought?

I feel like I am trying too hard and I’m embarrassed. I feel self-righteous, like everything is her fault. I feel smug because I am such a gracious connector to stoop to her level and try to be friends. I feel safe because I know she will not try to connect with me. I feel popular because this story is very useful in making my friends like me better than her. I feel sneaky because I am not being totally honest with anyone and it is all for my personal gain.

4. Who would I be without that thought?

I would be more honest and genuine. I would be closer to my truth. I would not be tricking my friends. I would not be so concerned with other people’s approval. I would be more free. I would take responsibility for my own refusal to connect with her.

5. Turn it around.

I don’t like myself because she refuses to connect with me.

I don’t like her because I refuse to connect with her.

I do like her because she refuses to connect with me.

I don’t like myself because I refuse to connect with her.

I don’t like myself because I refuse to connect with myself.

Today’s thought of the day comes from Integral Options Cafe. I find it particularly useful to remember this as I’ve gone from a slower pace life in San Francisco, to the busy student life of my intensive Russian course. Just because I’m “doing” more things in a day, doesn’t mean there’s any less time for reflection and awareness practice.

Stream of Thoughts

We tend to be particularly unaware that we are thinking virtually all the time. The incessant stream of thoughts flowing through our minds leaves us very little respite for inner quiet. And we leave precious little room for ourselves anyway just to be, without having to run around doing things all the time. Our actions are all too frequently driven rather than undertaken in awareness, driven by those perfectly ordinary thoughts and impulses that run through the mind like a coursing river, if not a waterfall. We get caught up in the torrent and it winds up submerging our lives as it carries us to places we may not wish to go and may not even realize we are headed for.

Meditation means learning how to get out of this current, sit by its bank and listen to it, learn from it, and then use its energies to guide us rather than to tyrannize us. This process doesn’t magically happen by itself. It takes energy. We call the effort to cultivate our ability to be in the present moment “practice” or “meditation practice.”

– Jon Kabat-Zinn, Wherever You Go, There You Are; From Everyday Mind, a Tricycle book edited by Jean Smith

As you probably know, I’ve just moved from San Francisco to Indiana. Things haven’t been exactly smooth. I find myself grasping everywhere for the familiar, routine, comfort and control…

As I wrote in an email just yesterday, “I honestly don’t know what is right. It’s like asking someone to make a clear headed decision when they are in the midst of a whirlwind of thoughts. I can’t even find my deodorant, I feel totally out of control, lost and scared, but at the same time I am optimistic and learning from all the changes, I see that this is causing me to expand and things seem just as spiritual as ever (even though hard). You say truth is what you want from me. It’s hard to find the truth in the middle of everything, I am contemplating impermanence all the time. That seems like as solid of a truth as I can find right now.” I’ll leave you with this quote by Thinly Norbu, from A Cascading Waterfall of Nectar:

This happiness and bliss of god and humans
Is like food that is mixed with poison,
So may I not have desire for even one single hair of this.
All relatives, food, wealth, and suitable companions
Are impermanent, like magic and dreams.
May I never  have attachment for even one single hair of this.

“In other words, all of my books are lies. They are simply maps of a territory, shadows of a reality, gray symbols dragging their bellies across the dead page, suffocated signs full of muffled sound and faded glory, signifying absolutely nothing. And it is the nothing, the Mystery, the Emptiness alone that needs to be realized: not known but felt, not thought but breathed, not an object but an atmosphere, not a lesson but a life.”

Ken Wilber

“Man is most nearly himself when he achieves the seriousness of a child at play”

Emily just posted a beautiful retrospective of our time in SF and wrote quite a touching post. I’m feeling all squirmy and don’t know what to do. I’m really touched.

I called a friend a couple of nights ago in hysterics. Through my sobs I confessed, “I don’t want to move. I miss Emily already. Who will go to Trader Joe’s with me? What about when it’s time to do laundry or go to the dry cleaners? Who will patiently explain to me about ‘cool things’ that I don’t understand, like gangster rap, California slang and steam punk? Who will try to convince me to go dancing? Who will I run errands with?” My list went on and on. Even now when I think about leaving I feel overwhelming emotion.

Emily is the most generous, warm hearted and kind person I’ve met. She has taught me how to look truthfully and kindly at myself and others. She has embodied generosity– being willing to give honestly and freely without a second thought. She has an infectious curiosity that takes her to all sorts of little known areas of her inner and outer life. Emily often embodies compassion. But she doesn’t embody some weak form of compassion that just tries to sooth all pain. She is deeply truthful and uses her compassion to point out the truth. Truth is often painful and it takes a strong and spiritual person that is willing to speak honestly with us, to pay attention and to not let us get away with not seeing. Emily always challenges me to be sincere, especially when I use some vacant spiritual-sounding quip to justify my less than ideal actions. A friend who is willing to be so compassionate, truthful, generous and loving is extremely rare.

I’ll miss you.

“I just ate something off the table. I wasn’t sure what it was, but I thought it was chocolate. I was correct, so it was successful.” - E

“You are not cool. You have other redeeming qualities, you are just not cool” - E to Me

“The Buddha?! You’re gonna listen to him? What does he know?!” -E

“You can be my Peace Corps colleague/roommate/business co-owner/best friend/blogging associate/lesbian lover. Whichever you like best. Ha!” - E

• Laura : you know what Emily just said?
• Laura : she said “i’ve got to hurry up and eat all the mochis I just bought, so J won’t know that I bought them and ate them all already”
• J: i knew it

“It is pretty whimsical. I am sitting on a tall chair, with a giant pink cake wearing overalls” - E

The Way is a limitless vessel;

Used by the self, it is not filled by the world;

It cannot be cut, knotted, dimmed or stilled;

Its depths are hidden, ubiquitous and eternal;

I don’t know where it comes from;

It comes before nature.

Emily Says: Jury Duty - Day 2

Still no jury selection…

I am very proud of myself for completing my first set of work for the new top secret business. Mwahahaha! Taking over the world!

“I’m sorry I am going to have to quit my job. I’m moving into a commune with my lesbian lover. Those capitalist dollars have blood on them.” -E

• Tim: What is the power exchange?
• JS: It’s where one person has the control and then the person who has the control gives the control to the other person who then has the control

“It’s like a dystopian war zone in my room” -E

Today I introduced L to the Flying Kick.

The Flying Kick is a special fighting technique that allows you to attack your opponent without touching him or her.

When you are wearing your Vans with the backs pushed down as slip-ons, you motion a kick at your enemy’s bottom and the shoe will fly off and kick them. It is very effective and hilarious. There is no defense for the Flying Kick.

However, your enemy may retaliate by stealing your shoe.

The Last 12 Hours

• Watched The Office. What up m’nerds?
• Tried to sing Arash to the cabbie
• Went to Bootie which was super fun. Bee Gees+Montell Jordan = Genius
• Slept for 3 hours

I love you buddy. Lush and Grumps forever indeed.

Man is a product of his thoughts. Thoughts grow well in silence. Thoughts mature in silence. Thoughts become creative in silence. Clarity and brevity of thoughts are attained through silence. Unhealthy and unwanted thoughts are flushed out in silence like a drainage. “They never taste who always drink. They always talk who never think.
- Matthew Prior

The words on this screen are merely signposts for what lies deep within you. It seems that we have abused words by making them all there is in this world. They are not the message, they simply point to the message. The message itself can only be heard by spirit/stillness.
- Laura

Finding Silence

Prompted by this science post I referenced before and by my recent silent meditation retreat, I feel moved to write about silence.

I am constantly trying to find ways to grow. The main course I’ve stuck with is to look within. But relentless, self-absorbed introspection can be unhelpful and certainly tiring. As soon as one begins to look at one’s mind it becomes so clear how noisy and frantic our thoughts are. They’re a constant barrage containing memory wisps, emotion, grasping, imagination, speculation, fear, control and who knows what else. Learning to find space and silence in our mind is just as important as learning to find it in our lives.

Silence is of four kinds. Silence of speech, Silence of the eyes, Silence of the ear and Silence of the mind. Only the last is pure silence and is the most important. Silence is the only Eternal Speech- the one Word, the Heart to Heart talk. Silence is like the even flow of electric current. Speech is like obstructing the current used for lighting and other purposes.
- Maharishi Raman

Silence is a method that helps to free our minds. If practiced thoughtfully, we can make space for reflection before defensively responding to another. We can notice fearful thoughts, actions and words that arise withing ourselves. We can use silence to face situations of mental and physical stress or emotional upheaval. Often our most powerful expressions of anger or hatred come through speech. Silence is a requirement for meditation and mindfulness practice. Silence increases our will power and sharpens our minds.

Silent is the meek, humble, noble, powerful. It is better in prayer to have a heart without words, than words without a heart.
- Gandhi

Idle chatter may seem harmless enough, but I would recommend we all take a closer look. Often unrestrained talk-fests lead to insults, judgment, ridicule and just general negativity. This isn’t beneficial for anyone involved. Our unruly minds surface and present to us some of the darker aspects of our psyche. By creating space, observing mindfully our silent times (and times when we aren’t silent) we can gain great insights into the workings of our mind and self. How often does random chatting lead to futile arguments, that leave us feeling drained and uneasy? It’s so easy to speak the first thing that we think of and so hard to stop, restrain ourselves and think about what we are saying. Looking within to find where this speech has come from is difficult. Is it an automatic response, an old habit? A societal rule you’ve bought into subconsciously? Something you feel uneasy about? An ego judgment? A justification of past actions? A response to unreleased emotional pain?

Next time you find yourself in the midst of a diatribe, stop and ask yourself what is really going on. Take a few moments during your day to just breathe. Look at the trees. Calm your noisy thoughts. Find your inner silence and enjoy it.

Inner voice is heard in silence. Truth is revealed in silence. Divinity of the Self is unfolded in silence.

All these fellows were there inside when she entered
utterly naked.
They΄d been drinking and began to spit at her,
recently come from the river, she understood nothing.
She was a mermaid who had lost her way,
the taunts flowed over her glistening flesh
Obscenities drenched her golden breasts.

A stranger to tears, she did not weep,
A stranger to clothes, she did not dress.
They pocked her with cigarette ends and with burnt corks
And rolled on the tavern floor in raucous laughter
She did not speak, since speech was unknown to her
Her eyes were the colour of far away love
Her arms were matching topazes
Her lips moved soundlessly in coral light
And ultimately she left by that door
Hardly had she entered the river than she was cleansed
Gleaming once more like a white stone in the rain
And without a backward look, she swam once more
Swam towards nothingness, swam to her dawn.

-Pablo Neruda

Messenger
by Mary Oliver

My work is loving the world.
Here the sunflowers, there the hummingbird —
equal seekers of sweetness.
Here the quickening yeast; there the blue plums.
Here the clam deep in the speckled sand.

Are my boots old? Is my coat torn?
Am I no longer young, and still not half-perfect? Let me
keep my mind on what matters,
which is my work,

which is mostly standing still and learning to be astonished.
The phoebe, the delphinium.
The sheep in the pasture, and the pasture.
Which is mostly rejoicing, since all ingredients are here,

which is gratitude, to be given a mind and a heart
and these body-clothes,
a mouth with which to give shouts of joy
to the moth and the wren, to the sleepy dug-up clam,
telling them all, over and over, how it is
that we live forever.

I just returned from a seven day meditation retreat. It was an experience that I whole heartedly encourage everyone to undertake. During my time, sitting in meditation and walking in meditation (and eating in meditation) I considered my Grandparents. I went to visit them in early April in Alabama. They are both in their eighties and doing fairly well, but the signs of some troubles were clear. They were a little to isolated, had a little too much pain and need just a little bit more help then they had. With some attention on a semi regular basis their quality of life would be greatly improved. However, they live in Alabama, their children live in Minnesota and Oklahoma (and I live in California). The questions about what to do in this situation are hard. It’s not clear what path to take, how to best help and what to do. It’s especially difficult on the children, who may have old wounds or painful patterns they find themselves repeating when they are around their parents. This kind of pain often clouds the children’s judgment when deciding what path to take. I don’t have any answers or sage advice, but I do want to acknowledge this issue and am writing this post as a way to invite a dialouge from the readers and as a reminder to myself to really consider what I can do. As well, I offer this comment from the Dali Lama on the subject (thanks to Integral options Cafe)

…This samsaric body keeps us running all of our lives. We have to run to fulfill its endless needs, to keep it away from things that may harm it, and to protect it from anything unpleasant. We have to give it pleasure and comfort. We become ordained, and at first this is very satisfactory; but soon our body makes it so difficult for us that we think our practice would be less disturbed if we were to live as a layperson. So we give up and return to ordinary life; but then we end up with a family to support, leaving us with no time or energy for meditation. We have the pressing tasks of feeding, clothing, and sheltering our children, and of arranging their education and so forth. Our lives are spent alternating between work and worry, with occasional short periods of pleasure, and then we have to die; but even this we cannot do in peace, for, when we lie down to die, our last thoughts are worried ones concerning the family we are leaving behind. Such is the nature of worldly existence

….To care for our old people–these ones who have given us our body, our life, and our culture–is a sacred duty of humanity. But most humans act more like animals than people, and often we see old people who have been abandoned by their families. Family units were very strong in Tibet, and old people were usually cared for directly by relatives. The national care for the old that we see in the West is something very good, a healthy sign, although perhaps here the spiritual and psychological basis is somewhat lacking.

…The suffering of old age is something we all must face, unless we die prematurely. There is nothing we can do about it. Gone will be that false sense of personal ability and strength that made us so proud when we were young. Instead, helpers or friends will bathe us, dress us, spoonfeed us, and have to take us to the toilet. Rather than live under the delusion of permanence, we should engage in spiritual training so that we can enter old age at least with the grace of wisdom.

~ From The Path to Enlightenment by H.H. the Dalai Lama, edited and translated by Glenn H. Mullin, published by Snow Lion Publications

Here’s a classic:

Wild Geese
by Mary Oliver

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting —
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.

From Dogen (a Soto Zen Master)

Enlightenment is like the moon reflected on the water. The moon does not get wet, nor is the water broken. Although its light is wide and great, the moon is reflected even in a puddle an inch wide. The whole moon and the entire sky are reflected in dewdrops on the grass, or even in one drop of water. Enlightenment does not divide you, just as the moon does not break the water. You cannot hinder enlightenment, just as a drop of water does not hinder the moon in the sky. The depth of the drop is the height of the moon. Each reflection, however long or short its duration, manifests the vastness of the dewdrop, and realizes the limitlessness of the moonlight in the sky.