Freedom from Fear
Lately, I’ve noticed a lot of people telling me that I can’t do things. It usually goes like this:
“I’m thinking about moving to Mexico and blogging from a beach hut.”
“You can’t do that!”
“Why not?”
I’m amazed at the volume of reasons people can think of for why I can’t do something. Normally quiet people are suddenly spouting off an entire doomsday prophesy of how I can’t do this or that. What is going on here?
All of us have been in these situations. You can’t ask her out, she’s too good for you. You can’t become an artist, you won’t make any money. You can’t move to Moscow, you don’t speak Russian. If you listen carefully you’ll see that what people are really saying is “I would be afraid to do that and you should be too.”
People are so used to being ruled by fear, that they can’t understand when someone isn’t. They want to feel like their safe choices are ok, so they try to make you feel fear like they do. They will always try to talk you into a safe path similar to theirs. “You can’t move to Moscow, you don’t speak Russian,” really means I don’t think I could ever learn Russian and the idea of wandering around a city, not knowing the language terrifies me. Don’t let another person’s fear become your own!
Not sure about my theory? Do a comparison. We all have a friend who isn’t afraid of anything. A friend who follows their dreams no matter where it may take them. Tell your idea to that friend and see how their reaction compares to everyone else’s. A fearless person would say, “Great idea! Go for it!” In fact, this fearless friend would probably have a lot of very useful advice. Isn’t this the kind of person you would like to surround yourself with?
When you’re feeling nervous about a new idea or new direction in your life, the last thing you should do is adopt other people’s fears as your own. For more on fear, see our article Freedom from Fear and the companion exercise Overcoming Fear.
Emily, another great post.
I’ve never thought about fear in the way you’ve described but I certainly think you’ve hit on something huge.
Thucydides said that The secret to happiness is freedom… And the secret to freedom is courage.
I blog fearlessly from a beach hut…about beach huts but sometimes stick my neck out. I’m not scared in England.
see This is England in the latest news part for how far I stick my neck out.
If you want any advice take a look or get in touch.
Dunno about Mexico though, could be scary.
Cheers
Tim
Perhaps instead of assuming your friends are scared, you might consider what is driving their response to your questions. Quick answers are often born out of a myriad of emotions. For example, if you were my friend, I think would miss hanging out with you. Our long evenings over a bottle of wine, musing over the universe would be ending. I might feel lonesome already, maybe even rejected that you could consider leaving without any thought to missing me!
I’m not suggesting that anyone should disregard their friends’ feelings when making decisions. I’m saying that we should not adopt the fears of others as our own.
There can be a million motivations, conscious or unconscious, behind the tactic of fear transference that I described in my post. Letting someone stop you from trying something new because they are afraid to do it themselves is totally self destructive.
In your example the friend is still afraid, she is afraid she will miss me. She is afraid of what will happen to her if I move away. If my friend came out and said, “Don’t go! I’ll miss you,” we could have a discussion about that. When my friend uses fear tactics that are totally unrelated to what her real issue is, she is either being manipulative or doesn’t know herself well enough to tell me the real reason she is telling me not to move. Either way, her fears are potentially preventing me from moving.
I think you’ve got a good original point Emily, though I think it is overstated. Zoey pointed out that your friend may have a different reason than fear. Your reply to her was to say that the friend is “either being manipulative or doesn’t know herself well enough . . ” That’s a bit strong and strikes me as something that fits you for now but may not necessarily fit you at some other point later on in your life. It’s not a negative that someone doesn’t know him or herself very well yet. And the use of a fear statement may simply be a habitual societal way of responding that, I agree, is aggravating but shouldn’t be dismissed. A good response from you would be to say, “Do you really fear for me or is it something else? What is it really?” If you dismiss someone that quickly you may miss something important they have to say. And about the person not knowing what they really think - that’s afflicted all sorts of brave, intelligent people.
This is a good point Albert. I would say that the key lies in not interpreting what the other person says, but instead looking within ourselves. We can’t know what the other person is thinking or feeling (especially if it is unconscious or because the person “doesn’t know herself well yet”), so it doesn’t do much good to speculate where their response is coming from. Instead observing ourself and our own reaction to the comment is key. We need to make sure that we aren’t responding out of fear or letting the comment cause a fear reaction within ourselves. As well, we could also respond as you pointed out, and try to dig deeper into what the person meant, by asking neutral questions.