True Causes of Anger
Sometimes in life I find myself having emotional reactions that are hugely disproportionate to their triggers. This happened to me this morning, in fact. I’m in my second day of illustrious temporary employment at an office in downtown San Francisco. Today a lady from “corporate” came in and when I introduced myself as “Emily, the temp” she said, “Oh, I paid my dues as a temp too.” This got me all riled up inside.
We think that when you have a very strong emotional reaction to something, especially when it seems to come out of nowhere like mine today, you should examine the real cause of the reaction. This reaction is coming from someplace inside of you.
First, let me explain what I mean by irrational anger. This is anger that comes on suddenly and from no objectively offensive source. In my case, the woman’s comment was not malicious in any way, but it changed my mood instantly, like flipping a light switch. This indicates that something else was causing my reaction.
Steps for Examining Irrational Anger
1. Determine specifically what upset you about the situation. Was it a statement, the tone, the person involved, or the circumstances?
In my case today, it was the idea behind the statement.
2. Clarify exactly what bothered you. Pinpoint the trigger to your reaction. The trigger is the external force that drew the reaction out of you.
My trigger was the idea that by temping I’m aspiring to someday get hired to work in an office like the one I’m temping for.
3. Find the cause. The cause for your reaction is inside of you. Why did this specific trigger cause you so much distress?
This trigger caused me distress because while I’m sure I don’t ever want to work in an office like the one I’m assigned to, more importantly I’m insecure about my career path and what I’m going to do with my life. This was the real cause for my reaction.
Once you’ve found the root cause for your reaction you can begin to accept and work on that part of yourself.
Ways to Recognize Irrational Anger in Others
1. Overzealous arguing. We all know someone who loves to argue excessively, especially about their cause of choice, whether it’s politics, religion, or the New York Yankees. When someone is fanatically attached to something and takes every opportunity to get worked up into a frenzy over it, there is usually a deeper cause.
2. Taking exception unnecessarily: “How rude! Who does she think she is? How dare she?” Those kinds of statements are usually preceded by objectively inoffensive behavior. When someone has a disproportionate reaction, it’s probably irrational.
3. Hitting a nerve. We’ve all done it, made a remark to a friend and seen the look on their faces change instantly for the worse. We say we “hit a nerve” because it is usually an issue that is specific to the person. This is the most obvious way that irrational anger shows itself.
Handling Irrational Anger in Others
This can be tricky. Since the reaction is irrational to begin with, any intervention you attempt may be reacted to equally irrationally. The most important thing to remember is that even if you’re the trigger for a reaction, you aren’t the cause. Take note not to bring up that subject again, but don’t blame yourself for their reaction. If you’re close to the person you might consider gently asking what their reaction was really about. Maybe they know. If they don’t, you can try suggesting some steps like ours for figuring it out.
Want to Hear More?
We have a couple of articles relating to this on our site:
and some exercises:
